Signs of an Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize Abuse and Find Support in Los Angeles

Abuse is not always physical.

A relationship can become abusive through patterns of control, intimidation, manipulation, isolation, or emotional harm. Sometimes the signs are subtle at first. You may find yourself changing how you act to avoid upsetting your partner, feeling like you are constantly walking on eggshells, or questioning whether what you are experiencing is “bad enough” to count as abuse.

If you have ever wondered, “Am I in an abusive relationship?”, you are not alone. Recognizing what is happening can be difficult, especially when abuse happens alongside love, good memories, apologies, or promises that things will change.

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it is important to remember that support is available. You do not have to wait for abuse to become physical before reaching out for help. Read more below and about how Claris Health can help you.

What Counts as Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used by one person to gain or maintain power and control over a current or former intimate partner or family member.

Physical violence can be part of domestic violence, but it is not the only form. Abuse can also be emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, or verbal. Technology can also be used as a tool for control.

Some examples include:

• Hitting, pushing, choking, kicking, or physically restraining you
• Threatening to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, or themselves
• Preventing you from seeing friends or family
• Monitoring your phone, location, messages, or social media
• Controlling your access to money, transportation, work, or housing
• Pressuring or forcing you into sexual activity
• Calling you names, humiliating you, or repeatedly putting you down
• Threatening to expose private information, photos, or messages
• Making decisions for you or treating you as though you are not capable of making your own choices

A single argument does not necessarily mean a relationship is abusive. Abuse is often identified by a pattern of behavior and control, particularly when one person uses those behaviors to intimidate, isolate, or control the other.

What Are the Early Signs of an Abusive Relationship?

Abusive relationships do not always begin with obvious violence. In some cases, controlling behavior develops gradually.

You might initially interpret certain behaviors as signs that your partner cares deeply about you. Over time, however, those behaviors may become increasingly restrictive.

Early signs can include:

Extreme jealousy. Your partner becomes angry or suspicious when you spend time with other people, even when there is no reason for concern.

Constant communication. Your partner expects you to respond immediately to texts or calls and becomes upset when you do not.

Isolation. You are discouraged from spending time with friends, family, coworkers, or other people who support you.

Controlling your choices. Your partner tells you what to wear, where you can go, who you can see, or how you should behave.

Frequent criticism. You are regularly made to feel unattractive, unintelligent, incapable, or unworthy.

Blaming you for their behavior. Your partner says that you caused their anger or that their actions are your fault.

Walking on eggshells. You find yourself constantly monitoring what you say or do because you are afraid of how your partner might react.

Pressure to move faster than you are comfortable with. This can include pressure around commitment, sex, pregnancy, finances, or major life decisions.

One concerning behavior may not tell the whole story. Pay attention to patterns and to how the relationship makes you feel over time.

If you regularly feel afraid of your partner’s reaction, unable to make your own choices, or increasingly isolated from people you trust, it may be worth talking with someone outside the relationship.

What Is Emotional Abuse and Coercive Control?

Emotional abuse can be harder to recognize than physical violence because it may leave no visible injuries.

It can involve repeated behaviors intended to undermine your sense of safety, confidence, independence, or self-worth.

Examples of emotional abuse may include:

• Insults and humiliation
• Name-calling
• Threats and intimidation
• Gaslighting or repeatedly denying things that happened
• Withholding affection as punishment
• Blaming you for problems in the relationship
• Using your vulnerabilities against you
• Threatening to leave, harm themselves, or harm someone you love
• Making you feel responsible for managing their emotions

Another term you may hear is coercive control. This describes a pattern of behaviors used to control another person’s everyday life and choices. It may involve monitoring where you go, restricting your access to money, controlling who you communicate with, or making it difficult for you to leave the relationship.

Coercive control can be especially difficult to recognize because individual behaviors may seem insignificant when viewed separately. Together, however, they can create a relationship in which one person has significantly less freedom and autonomy.

If you are questioning whether something happening in your relationship is abuse, you do not need to figure it out by yourself.

Why Is It So Hard to Leave?

People sometimes ask why someone experiencing abuse does not simply leave. The reality is that leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and, in some situations, dangerous.

There may be financial concerns, children to consider, housing challenges, immigration concerns, limited transportation, or fear of what a partner might do if they leave.

There can also be emotional factors. A person may still love their partner, remember the good parts of the relationship, or hope that things will change. An abusive partner may apologize, promise to change, or become especially loving after an incident of abuse. This can make an already complicated situation even harder to understand.

Someone experiencing abuse may also have been repeatedly told that the abuse is their fault or that no one else will believe them. Over time, this can affect their confidence and make reaching out feel overwhelming.

You do not have to have a plan to leave before you ask for support.

Talking with a counselor or advocate can simply be a first step toward understanding what you are experiencing and exploring your options.

If you believe you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are concerned that your internet or phone activity may be monitored, consider using a safer device or reaching out from a location where you feel secure.

Where to Find Domestic Violence Support in Los Angeles

If you are experiencing domestic violence in Los Angeles, there are organizations that can provide confidential support, safety planning, counseling, shelter information, and other resources.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 by phone, chat, and text. You can call 800-799-SAFE (7233)or text START to 88788.

You can also contact 211 LA, which connects people in Los Angeles County with local health and human services, including resources related to housing, emergency assistance, and domestic violence.

You do not have to know exactly what kind of help you need before reaching out. An advocate can help you understand the resources available, identify next steps that fit your circumstances, and help you find support.

Find Support and Confidential Counseling at Claris Health

Sometimes the first step is simply having a safe place to talk.

At Claris Health, our counselors provide a confidential space where you can talk through what is happening in your relationship without pressure or judgment. You can share as much or as little as you are comfortable sharing.

You do not have to come to counseling with a decision already made. You can talk about what you are experiencing, sort through your options, and work toward understanding what you need.

If you are wondering, “Am I in an abusive relationship?”, you deserve to be able to ask that question somewhere you feel safe.

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month and throughout the year, Claris Health is here to listen and help you take the next step at your own pace.

Talk with a Claris Health counselor confidentially and find support at your own pace.